Bridling the Tongue

"If anyone considers himself to be religious yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless." James 1:26

I have been wrestling with this a lot lately.  My tongue is wretched toward others at times.  At work, I lack patience and I expect more of others than I should; toward my husband I respond defensively to innocent questions and gestures, and, sadly, toward God I sometimes resound with preemptive anger and fear that we may not get to bring HC home.

As I have been reflecting and praying about the impact of "my tongue" the last few weeks, I have gained insight as to the root of my responses.  Now the hard part - changing.

The Root
Work - Since I am no longer a full-time, hard-core employee, I find myself desiring to conquer the workplace world, but I can no longer do that just being behind the scenes working part-time.  Because I have been putting some of my own personal value on what I accomplish at work, I have been feeling worthless, and I am taking it out on my co-workers.

My Husband - Not only am I not a full-time employee, I am also not a full-time homemaker - though I expect myself to accomplish the things that a full-time homemaker accomplishes.  Because I have been putting some of my own personal value on what I accomplish in the home, I have been feeling worthless.  So when Ron asks a simple question, "what did you do today?", I catch myself panicking thinking "he thinks I didn't do enough, and I did the best I can!" (BTW, when my husband asks the question, he is being kind and wanting to know more of how my day was.)

God - This is a hard one for me to admit.  Not long ago, I was relatively "late", which made us think I might be pregnant.  This was SCARY for me because our adoption "decree" states that we cannot get pregnant during the adoption process; so if I were pregnant, we would have likely not have gotten to adopt HC.  I could have answered the "are we pregnant?" question with a simple pregnancy test, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew I needed to get my heart right with God first.  We wrestled for days, but on a Saturday night I finally submitted to Him and made a commitment to trust Him.  I promised Him, "I will consider it all joy if I encounter this trial, knowing that it will produce endurance that will have a perfect result, so that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (taken from James 1:2-4).  This absolutely brought me some peace and contentment for the days ahead.... BTW, I am not pregnant.

The Change

So, in keeping with the Biblical principles I have learned through Celebrate Recovery, I have completed steps 1-7 with this issue in my life (Step 4 verse: "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40" and Step 7 verse: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9" ).  But I can't stop there - now I have some amends to make, and I have to address my fears and lack of self-worth so that I don't just continue to find other unhealthy ways of coping.

So here I go on another season of being remolded and shaped.  Change is hard, but I always look forward to the result of it all.  Since I've been intentional about this, things have already gotten better.  I feel more at peace and I am more approachable by others.

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