Run The Race

For me, one of the most amazing stories in the Bible is where the angel comes to tell Mary she will become the mother of Jesus - Son of God.  After gaining some clarification from the angel, she said, "... may it be done to me according to your word."  I don't think she could possibly fully grasp at that moment all that being the mother of God's son would entail, but I do believe she knew it was going to change her life forever - and it wouldn't be easy. Sometimes it is difficult to step into a role that we know will be time consuming, and may require more of our heart than we feel capable of giving.  I want to share a story about a person in my life that was ready to accept that role, and it has, in turn, encouraged me deeply in my faith walk with God.  That person is Pam. On December 21, 2011 - many of you know my story... Being very pregnant, I awoke early knowing something wasn't right with the baby.  I had some Bible and prayer time before waking my h

Dear Father: I can’t imagine what it has been like to have adopted me as you have.  I remember the day you adopted me… I was only 9 years old.  Tears filled my eyes.  It was amazing – You chose me! It only took a year or so before the “new” wore off.  Difficulties came my way, and for some reason, I blamed you.  I’m sorry I ran away at such a young age - how horrifying.  I cringe to think that you know all the things I did while I was away.  I’m so sorry, Father – You must have been crushed. Over and over I ran away, but you always brought me back.  I remember arguing with you but never feeling condemned.  You were firm but full of grace.  It seems that my rebelliousness through the years has NEVER caused you to waiver. The river of tears seemed never ending; I felt so lost.  There were countless sleepless nights – You never left my side, and you cried tears with me.  Seems so strange to me now that you showed such compassion, but I rarely recognized it.  No matter who

I often pray the same prayer over and over - I don't mean it is said in tradition or just rote memorization.  It is sincere; a cry from my heart.  At times when I say that prayer, I wonder if I sound like a resounding "gong" - yuck. "... two blind men sitting by the road, hearing that Jesus was passing by, cried out, 'Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!' The crowd sternly told them to be quiet, but they cried out all the more... moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes, and immediately they regained sight and followed Him."  Matthew 20:30-31, 34 Satan wants us to believe that God gets sick of hearing from us - just like the crowd telling the men to be quiet.  The two men in these verses kept crying out - not in complaint, but in faith, believing that this man, Jesus, could and would heal them.   Yesterday morning, my prayers were similar as they have been over the past two years regarding the adoption, but my heart cried out with sl

Sorry, this post is long, and probably a little less for you than it is just "cheap therapy" for me. Several months ago, I committed to not answering the phone or checking any emails from the adoption agency without stopping first to pray.  How is it, then, that as soon as I saw an email from the agency last Friday, I flipped it right open without hesitation and without praying first?!?! Wish I could take that moment back.  The news in that email was not what I was expecting or hoping to read. Though a batch of kiddos had their paperwork moved to the "Exit Phase", HC's paperwork was not among those taken.  It should have been.  It could have been taken with the last batch that happened in June, but it didn't - so it was "definitely" suppose to progress with this batch.  People who signed their paperwork after us progressed this time around, but we did not.  We don't know why. It is very unlikely that any more batches will be accepted thi

This blog post will probably not be well put together - but my brains about to explode because I need to  put this in front of you before it's too late!  Sounds a little dramatic I know, but if I don't share it with you now - when it happens, people may not believe me.  With this post, I risk sounding absolutely nuts, but I can't wait to tell you this! Before I tell you the recent story, I have to back up to August 2011 - before losing Elliot, before losing my Mom, before the adoption process, etc. I have WILD dreams - most of them amount to nothing, but occasionally I have one that I know means something without a doubt.  In Aug 2011, I had this dream that I was grieving because I had been trying to share how real God is with someone who just could not accept it.  There I sat on the floor in this lake house with 6 strings, all yarn, before me - 3 black and 3 white.  I contemplated God's will, and I began to pray, "God, without me laying a hand on these black s

[Your] headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.   The Waiting Place...  for people just waiting . Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow, or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting . Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for the wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting , perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting . Excerpt from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr.  Seuss Sometimes, while in a season of waiting for something really important, it seems as if everything becomes a game of waiting.  For us, in regards to the adoption (it has been almost 1.5yrs since we signed the papers for our son), we try not to put our whole

My husband often shares this wonderful analogy involving an egg, carrot and tea (some great philosopher may have given this analogy first, but since I've only heard my husband say it, I will give him credit). If exposed to boiling water... The egg gets HARD The carrot gets  Soft But the tea... the tea instead changes the water. When all three items are exposed to the same environment, a boiling pot of water, they are all impacted, but only the tea makes a difference to that which is surrounding it. Such are are our hearts at times. Much of what goes on in this world - in our homes, communities, schools, churches, jobs - will have an impact on us... sometimes our experiences are good, but at times they expose us to the pot of boiling water. What is your pot of boiling water? Sometimes the impact of the boiling water seems like too much or that it has gone on far too long, so how do we become like the tea where we can make a difference rather than our circu

I am a keyboard fanatic.  Anytime I can use my keyboard rather than the slow, ridiculously painful mouse, I'll do it!  One of my favorite shortcuts is Ctrl Z (or Cmd Z for Mac users).  If I make a change, and it messes everything up on my screen, then "Ctrl Z"!  Ctrl Z is the "undo" command. One time as I was walking through the house with way too much stuff in my hands, I dropped something fragile.  As it was falling, my brain was saying "Ctrl Z! Ctrl Z!"... unfortunately the "all-fixing", "never-failing" keyboard command did not work in real life. As we continue to wait for the adoption to progress, I have to admit that this is turning into one of the most difficult situations in my life.  It will be 2 years this week since we started this process.  Nothing is as it was when we first started, and the only thing in which we have control over is backing out (which I'll discuss more later, but is not really an option in our m

Do you know what a "blue chip" is? At Celebrate Recovery, blue chips are offered to mark dates in which we surrendered something to God.  People take blue chips for a variety of reasons (such as drinking, anger, control, a specific relationship, etc.), and I, too, have taken my fair share of them through the years.  Some of the things I have followed through on and left in the Lord's hands (ie. losing Elliot, forgiving seemingly "unforgivable" sins, the way I treat my body, etc.), but others... not so much (strangely I can't remember what these chips were for; I guess I wasn't that serious about laying it down). Written on the blue chip are words from the first part of 2 Corinthian 12:9, "My grace is enough for you" After losing Elliot and my Mom, fear absolutely gripped me as I began to believe that everyone I loved would be ripped from me.  Since that point, I start each day by taking a commitment to God that I will trust Him with

"Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice.  He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me, for they are many who strive with me." Psalm 54:17-18 Family pictures... What a wonderful opportunity to record seasons in a family's life.  We had an opportunity to get a free family photo this last week, and it was a little bitter sweet.  How can we get a family photo when so many from our family are "missing"?   I prayed before our photo session that I could be thankful because what we have is enough.  Our picture time was a sweet moment for our family, and our photographer actually did a beautiful job of helping us incorporate a small piece of Elliot and HC into some of our pictures.  Ofcourse I also wore a BEAUTIFUL necklace given to me by my mother-in-law, which has a trinket for each of my children on earth or in Heaven, in America or in Asia!  One day we will all truly be together, but the

A small group of us have been reading through the Psalms together and discussing them.  During our time together this last week, the majority of our discussions landed on forgiveness... or lack thereof.  Each of us (including me) had a story of unforgiveness - the way it stirs our hearts and minds.  Some of our stories included people still in our lives, others will never see the "offender" again - yet each story stirred an amazing amount of emotion in each of us. God taught me to forgive my abuser almost 10 years ago.  There are times when something triggers a pain from the past and I have to go through the process all over again.  After forgiving this person, it seems like I could forgive anything, yet I still struggle with it at times.  So as we discussed our unforgiveness this week, I was really pondering the "hows" of forgiveness. David, a man who wrote the majority of the Psalms and was also chosen by God to play a significant role leading up to our Savio

The church leadership recently announced that we would be studying the Psalms together.  About 2 years ago, when our son Elliot was stillborn and a few months later my mother passed away, the Psalms played such a significant role in strengthening my relationship with the Lord rather than simply wallowing in self-pity.  Now that so much fog has lifted from my day to day life, studying the Psalms with my church family is much like looking back through an old photo album.  It is filled with much emotion but a richness that only life's experiences with God's presence can produce. The book is filled with prayers of worship, confession, lament, requests (supplication) and praise.   Worship The Psalms of worship were perfect because in my deep grieving – there were times that, even though I knew God was mighty, loving, and was my ultimate refuge – I had difficulty coming up with my own words, so I simply would read/pray the Psalms to Him for my time of worship. Confess

"Have you brought your foster kid to your house yet?"  the 7 year old boy asked from the other side of the fence.  This was a follow up question to several meetings we've had at the fence over the last 3 months.  This boy, whom I will call Sam, frequents our neighborhood because his foster parent's family lives near by. Sam told me during our first meeting about the more than a dozen foster homes he and his little brother have been in.  I told him that our little boy is in a foster home and about his recent move to a new foster home.  This somehow connected Sam and me.  Now we often meet at the fence to check in with each other. During one such meeting Sam told me that he hopes he will get adopted by this family. "Do you know what it means to pray to God, Sam?" I asked. "Sure, I think so." "Well, I think God has a plan for you just like he has for our son that we are adopting.  So, lets make a deal - I will pray everyday for you an

"Mom, we don't need to say that prayer today," Reese, my 7 year old son, said after I asked if he was ready to say the Serenity Prayer.  My heart paused - not really sure whether to rejoice or have some hesitancy.  Each day, as we walk over a mile to school we say the Serenity Prayer; both walking and saying the prayer were a rituals we began almost 2 years ago as we searched for ways to help Reese with his anxiety regarding school. I'm excited at his statement because I can see how much he's grown in the last year.  It is a praise to our Heavenly Father that the same fears no longer overcome him leading into his day. The hesitancy is because when most people become "self-sufficient" or "spiritually proud" they also have a tendency to drift from a reliance on God.  For example, if the check engine light comes on in the car, who is more likely to say a prayer first - the person that has $2,000 in savings or the person that already had to mak

Since losing Elliot and my Mother, I definitely have a different perspective on Mother's Day.  Now, rather than sitting around waiting for others to celebrate "Me" and everything I do for them (not that I ever really did that...), I take this time to celebrate getting to be a Mom. So today, I am going to celebrate my little guy Reese.  He is so very special to me; below are some things I want to celebrate about Reese. Reese is developing such Godly character.  He uses his words to encourage others, he is honest, and he loves the Lord. I am constantly mesmerized by the ways God has gifted him.  I LOVE his creativity, and his ability to express himself.   Reese definitely prefers logic.  We made a decision when he was an infant that we were not going to do "Santa" at Christmas, and, now that Reese is older, I am so glad that we didn't!  I'm pretty sure he would have just pointed out all the reasons that Santa could not have been real, and it would