Ctrl Z
I am a keyboard fanatic. Anytime I can use my keyboard rather than the slow, ridiculously painful mouse, I'll do it! One of my favorite shortcuts is Ctrl Z (or Cmd Z for Mac users). If I make a change, and it messes everything up on my screen, then "Ctrl Z"! Ctrl Z is the "undo" command.
One time as I was walking through the house with way too much stuff in my hands, I dropped something fragile. As it was falling, my brain was saying "Ctrl Z! Ctrl Z!"... unfortunately the "all-fixing", "never-failing" keyboard command did not work in real life.
As we continue to wait for the adoption to progress, I have to admit that this is turning into one of the most difficult situations in my life. It will be 2 years this week since we started this process. Nothing is as it was when we first started, and the only thing in which we have control over is backing out (which I'll discuss more later, but is not really an option in our minds at all).
In thinking about some of the most difficult situations and choices I've made in my life, what if I could "Ctrl Z" back to...
God did not make my abuser hurt me or cause Elliot to die in order to learn these things about Him, but He simply is a God that is this big so that when I (or you) have to go through horrific events in our life or deal with the guilt of our decisions - He can carry us through; Mold us, shape us - and He can do the same for those we have hurt! He can take the most disgusting of events and somehow turn it into something beautiful and spectacular.
I say all this to you today honestly to give myself a pep talk. My heart is aching terribly as the adoption process has no end in sight, but I feel no less called today than I did 2 years ago; therefore, I believe, based on God's past record, that there is something beautiful happening right now - a refining so to speak - for us, for HC, for his foster family, and hopefully for his birth mother. I am aware that HC may never come to live in our home, but backing out is not an option because he is our son. I will forever commit to lifting him up in prayer and having hope for him in Jesus name.
Father God, You are so aware of those moments in our lives in which we want to undo things - our "what if" moments. Thank You for Your willingness to die on the cross for our sins, and Your willing to mend our hearts from the things that have been done to us. I'm not sure how You turn so many ugly things into beautiful things - I stand amazed. Father, as our family embarks on today, please give us more patience and anything else required for the endurance to finish this race. I don't even know what to ask for for our family, for HC, or for his foster family - but You know every intimate detail. Thank You. In Your precious Son's name I pray. Amen.
One time as I was walking through the house with way too much stuff in my hands, I dropped something fragile. As it was falling, my brain was saying "Ctrl Z! Ctrl Z!"... unfortunately the "all-fixing", "never-failing" keyboard command did not work in real life.
As we continue to wait for the adoption to progress, I have to admit that this is turning into one of the most difficult situations in my life. It will be 2 years this week since we started this process. Nothing is as it was when we first started, and the only thing in which we have control over is backing out (which I'll discuss more later, but is not really an option in our minds at all).
In thinking about some of the most difficult situations and choices I've made in my life, what if I could "Ctrl Z" back to...
- 2 years ago - knowing what I know now about the adoption process?
- the day before Elliot died - so that I might recognize the signs sooner that he was struggling?
- the day it was decided that I would have the abortion - knowing what I know now?
- when I began trusting the young man who eventually abused me?
What are your "Ctrl Z" moments?
If I could Ctrl Z all but the adoption, I probably would.
But here's the thing - God doesn't allow us to go back, and for good reason. If I could Ctrl Z, then I would miss out on two absolutely amazing aspects of God's nature:
- I would not get to experience His amazing healing and redeeming grace.
- I would not have the courage to see many of His plans to completion, and I would therefore miss out on many God-sized things in my life that have come to just blow me away.
God did not make my abuser hurt me or cause Elliot to die in order to learn these things about Him, but He simply is a God that is this big so that when I (or you) have to go through horrific events in our life or deal with the guilt of our decisions - He can carry us through; Mold us, shape us - and He can do the same for those we have hurt! He can take the most disgusting of events and somehow turn it into something beautiful and spectacular.
I say all this to you today honestly to give myself a pep talk. My heart is aching terribly as the adoption process has no end in sight, but I feel no less called today than I did 2 years ago; therefore, I believe, based on God's past record, that there is something beautiful happening right now - a refining so to speak - for us, for HC, for his foster family, and hopefully for his birth mother. I am aware that HC may never come to live in our home, but backing out is not an option because he is our son. I will forever commit to lifting him up in prayer and having hope for him in Jesus name.
Father God, You are so aware of those moments in our lives in which we want to undo things - our "what if" moments. Thank You for Your willingness to die on the cross for our sins, and Your willing to mend our hearts from the things that have been done to us. I'm not sure how You turn so many ugly things into beautiful things - I stand amazed. Father, as our family embarks on today, please give us more patience and anything else required for the endurance to finish this race. I don't even know what to ask for for our family, for HC, or for his foster family - but You know every intimate detail. Thank You. In Your precious Son's name I pray. Amen.
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