Another Ordinary Day
Today is another ordinary day. In our household, February 7th is nobody's birthday, anniversary, etc., but today was our son Elliot's due date. Babies are rarely born on their due date, such was the case for Elliot. Since he passed away, I find that this day still somehow has significance, though I don't understand what that significance is or what to do with it.
Below is an entry from my prayer journal on February 7th last year, which was just a little over one month after Elliot passed away. Please know before reading it that my emotions were very raw, but I still feel it is important to share it so those who are experiencing loss and significant hurt and pain have something to relate to. Also, I think it is important to realize that one year later, I can see how God has answered so many of the things I asked of Him in this prayer.
Thanks so much for letting me share.
Entry made on 2/7/12:
"Therefore, just as through one man, sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned... where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:12, 20-21
Lord, I must admit... I am struggling with coming to You this morning. My soul aches. As I enter into prayer and worship with You, please prepare my heart. May this moment be all You need it to be... all I need it to be. My heart feels raw. Fill me, Lord. Touch my heart and soul. I have been blessed a million times over what I deserve - please forgive me for only focusing on my loss. Thank You for sharing Elliot with me even if it was only for a moment. I know he belongs to You... not us. Fear cries out, "Please don't take anything else away from me... my living son and husband are off limits!", but my faith quietly admits, "Lord, I know Ron, Reese and everything else I have is Yours... do with it what You will. I will trust and obey. You will provide. You are my Rock and my Salvation." I only want to whisper to You that I am willing... then maybe You won't hear me... but I know You can hear me. I know You can hear the cry of my soul - the ache of my heart. Know, Father, that in the midst of my pain I know Your glory and Your righteousness all the more.
Is it true, as it says in the verses I wrote here, that You did not create physical death? I don't understand how that works. The details of such a thing sends my mind spinning in circles. This whole thing does make me angry - as my soul cries out to You, I also want to blame someone or something. Darn it! I want to be rushing to the hospital today on Elliot's due date... I want to not get sleep tonight because he is up all night crying.
I hate you devil! How dare you take this precious gift from me! How dare you steal memories from our family! I praise God that He created hell for You... may You burn for eternity... Hear me now... you cannot take our joy - our eternity. You cannot change the righteousness of my God and Father. You have no hold over me. You cannot steal our love and faith in God; nor can you take our love for one another. You are NOTHING!!!
Father, I don't think I've struggled and wrestled with hard core theological questions in a long time - but there are so many things that I just don't understand... free will vs. Your power. Don't know that I will ever understand - don't know that I need to understand - answering these questions doesn't bring Elliot back. I love You, Lord, and there is peace in knowing he is resting in Your hand.
May I come to know You more in the midst of this. May I learn to have complete and total reliance on You. Today is Elliot's due date - it is an arbitrary date - one that hurts. I suppose it will come and go like any other day - but, Lord, I don't want these things to come and go. I want them to change me forever.... I want it to mean something. May it somehow bring glory and honor to Your name. May it not be in vein. Don't let me sit on the sidelines and watch this opportunity pass me by. Let it change the hearts of unbelievers around us, allow it to strengthen our marriage. May Reese learn what it means to have a total reliance on You. We have a lot of questions about the future. I pray that rather than allowing anxiety to build we will instead rely on You with our new found faith and commitment.
Glory and honor to You forever. Amen.
Below is an entry from my prayer journal on February 7th last year, which was just a little over one month after Elliot passed away. Please know before reading it that my emotions were very raw, but I still feel it is important to share it so those who are experiencing loss and significant hurt and pain have something to relate to. Also, I think it is important to realize that one year later, I can see how God has answered so many of the things I asked of Him in this prayer.
Thanks so much for letting me share.
Entry made on 2/7/12:
"Therefore, just as through one man, sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned... where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:12, 20-21
Lord, I must admit... I am struggling with coming to You this morning. My soul aches. As I enter into prayer and worship with You, please prepare my heart. May this moment be all You need it to be... all I need it to be. My heart feels raw. Fill me, Lord. Touch my heart and soul. I have been blessed a million times over what I deserve - please forgive me for only focusing on my loss. Thank You for sharing Elliot with me even if it was only for a moment. I know he belongs to You... not us. Fear cries out, "Please don't take anything else away from me... my living son and husband are off limits!", but my faith quietly admits, "Lord, I know Ron, Reese and everything else I have is Yours... do with it what You will. I will trust and obey. You will provide. You are my Rock and my Salvation." I only want to whisper to You that I am willing... then maybe You won't hear me... but I know You can hear me. I know You can hear the cry of my soul - the ache of my heart. Know, Father, that in the midst of my pain I know Your glory and Your righteousness all the more.
Is it true, as it says in the verses I wrote here, that You did not create physical death? I don't understand how that works. The details of such a thing sends my mind spinning in circles. This whole thing does make me angry - as my soul cries out to You, I also want to blame someone or something. Darn it! I want to be rushing to the hospital today on Elliot's due date... I want to not get sleep tonight because he is up all night crying.
I hate you devil! How dare you take this precious gift from me! How dare you steal memories from our family! I praise God that He created hell for You... may You burn for eternity... Hear me now... you cannot take our joy - our eternity. You cannot change the righteousness of my God and Father. You have no hold over me. You cannot steal our love and faith in God; nor can you take our love for one another. You are NOTHING!!!
Father, I don't think I've struggled and wrestled with hard core theological questions in a long time - but there are so many things that I just don't understand... free will vs. Your power. Don't know that I will ever understand - don't know that I need to understand - answering these questions doesn't bring Elliot back. I love You, Lord, and there is peace in knowing he is resting in Your hand.
May I come to know You more in the midst of this. May I learn to have complete and total reliance on You. Today is Elliot's due date - it is an arbitrary date - one that hurts. I suppose it will come and go like any other day - but, Lord, I don't want these things to come and go. I want them to change me forever.... I want it to mean something. May it somehow bring glory and honor to Your name. May it not be in vein. Don't let me sit on the sidelines and watch this opportunity pass me by. Let it change the hearts of unbelievers around us, allow it to strengthen our marriage. May Reese learn what it means to have a total reliance on You. We have a lot of questions about the future. I pray that rather than allowing anxiety to build we will instead rely on You with our new found faith and commitment.
Glory and honor to You forever. Amen.
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