Longing for Messy Pigtails...
20 years ago...
I was living a nightmare. At fourteen years old, I was in an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship. I had parents who desperately tried to protect me, yet I was so blinded and scared by this young man that I stayed engulfed in the lies and the chaos. Fourteen years old - and pregnant.
It was 20 years ago this week that I ended this child's life through abortion. I hate saying it out loud, yet I have found healing in my honesty, and, of course, I have found connection with many other hurting women who have made the same choice at sometime in their lives.
For many years after taking the life of this little one, I had dreams - and she was a girl in every single dream. Through the years of my dreams, she grew just as she would have if she lived. I so clearly remember a dream of her in first grade. She had these crazy, messy pigtails, and she was getting in trouble for talking when she wasn't supposed to. Oh, I long for those messy pigtails...
I so love this child that I never got to know. For many years, guilt and shame hovered over my entire being, but not now. It wasn't time that healed this wound. The saying that "time heals all wounds" is a lie. Shame, guilt, grief, all left untouched will fester and eat us alive if we don't deal with them.
After finding the Lord and beginning the recovery process, I prayed over and over for God to forgive me for my sin of aborting this child. A very good friend informed me that I only had to ask the Lord once for forgiveness for that sin, and my persistence must mean that I’m the one not letting go. In order to go through the mourning process, this person suggested that I name the baby to give her an identity. I searched and searched for the perfect name and came up with Livvy Diane. Livvy means peace and Diane means divine… I knew that the process I was going through was divine intervention that would bring me to the peace I needed but didn’t deserve. I remember falling to my knees next to my bed as I laid this child before God asking Him once and for all not only to forgive me but to take care of this precious child for eternity.
Through the years I have done things to commemorate her life and just remember her - I've bought trinkets or ornaments, written letters, etc. I speak about her often. I love this girl so much.
Today, I want to commemorate her life simply by sharing this story with you. Maybe abortion has touched your life in some way. Maybe you have had an abortion, paid for someone else to have an abortion, or maybe you're considering it today... I wish I had all the right words to simply take away the pain or just make it all better right now - I can't. What I can share with you is the hope that I have found.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11 reads “For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow w/o repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourself, such indignation…”
What will you choose to do with your sorrow, guilt or shame? Will you allow it to result in death? Or will you allow God to use it to produce life, earnestness, indignation? I've chosen both along my journey, but I'm thankful to be living in the latter. I would love to hear from you if you'd like to talk. If you send me a comment on this blog, it will come to my email before being made public. Just let me know if you don't want the comment public, but leave me your email so I can write back.
I was living a nightmare. At fourteen years old, I was in an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship. I had parents who desperately tried to protect me, yet I was so blinded and scared by this young man that I stayed engulfed in the lies and the chaos. Fourteen years old - and pregnant.
It was 20 years ago this week that I ended this child's life through abortion. I hate saying it out loud, yet I have found healing in my honesty, and, of course, I have found connection with many other hurting women who have made the same choice at sometime in their lives.
For many years after taking the life of this little one, I had dreams - and she was a girl in every single dream. Through the years of my dreams, she grew just as she would have if she lived. I so clearly remember a dream of her in first grade. She had these crazy, messy pigtails, and she was getting in trouble for talking when she wasn't supposed to. Oh, I long for those messy pigtails...
I so love this child that I never got to know. For many years, guilt and shame hovered over my entire being, but not now. It wasn't time that healed this wound. The saying that "time heals all wounds" is a lie. Shame, guilt, grief, all left untouched will fester and eat us alive if we don't deal with them.
After finding the Lord and beginning the recovery process, I prayed over and over for God to forgive me for my sin of aborting this child. A very good friend informed me that I only had to ask the Lord once for forgiveness for that sin, and my persistence must mean that I’m the one not letting go. In order to go through the mourning process, this person suggested that I name the baby to give her an identity. I searched and searched for the perfect name and came up with Livvy Diane. Livvy means peace and Diane means divine… I knew that the process I was going through was divine intervention that would bring me to the peace I needed but didn’t deserve. I remember falling to my knees next to my bed as I laid this child before God asking Him once and for all not only to forgive me but to take care of this precious child for eternity.
Through the years I have done things to commemorate her life and just remember her - I've bought trinkets or ornaments, written letters, etc. I speak about her often. I love this girl so much.
Today, I want to commemorate her life simply by sharing this story with you. Maybe abortion has touched your life in some way. Maybe you have had an abortion, paid for someone else to have an abortion, or maybe you're considering it today... I wish I had all the right words to simply take away the pain or just make it all better right now - I can't. What I can share with you is the hope that I have found.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11 reads “For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow w/o repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourself, such indignation…”
What will you choose to do with your sorrow, guilt or shame? Will you allow it to result in death? Or will you allow God to use it to produce life, earnestness, indignation? I've chosen both along my journey, but I'm thankful to be living in the latter. I would love to hear from you if you'd like to talk. If you send me a comment on this blog, it will come to my email before being made public. Just let me know if you don't want the comment public, but leave me your email so I can write back.
To My Dearest
Livvy:
I can’t
believe it has been 20 years… I think I love you more with each day. I can’t wrap my arms around the woman you are
or the woman you would be. I do envision
you holding our sweet Elliot, and God using you to care for him.
How many
times have I wondered if I will recognize you when I enter the Heavenly
gates? At that point I suppose it won’t
matter because we will all be united, but I still long to hold you in my arms
and be your Mommy for even a moment.
Please know the
love I have for you. I thank God for His
eternal plan to love and care for you.
Until next time…
Love,
Mom
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