The Painful Waiting Game

It has been over a year since we began our adoption journey, and it has been over 7 months since we've received our referral to our child that I call HC on this blog - as we've agreed with the agency not to share his information electronically while we are venturing through this process.

This weekend I was trying to find more information regarding the all the legal changes and processes that are happening in HCs home country that are affecting the time frame in which we will get to bring him home.  I was connected with some very good resources, but, I'll be honest, it was very disheartening.

One of the legal changes that has taken place is for more birth parent rights.  So throughout the process, they contact the birth parent multiple times to ask "Are you sure this is what you want?" - they even ask one more time after the adoptive family travels to the birth country and has a court hearing.  This along with several other changes have greatly lengthened our wait time before we will get to pick up our son.

There were several stories I read from families where the birth mother did return either after waiting 18+ months or after their court hearing.  The hurt for these families is really no different than the pain we suffered in losing Elliot.

There were many more stories where the families did actually receive their child into their home, but when I apply their timeline to our story... it makes me so sad.  We were thinking we would probably get him this summer, but according to the information I read it will likely be closer to Christmas next year if not later.  Doesn't that seems so far away?

My heart aches as I think about so many things...

1. If HC's birth mom decides to parent him, it will be so difficult for her and him.  She will not have received the same training as we have to deal with a grieving toddler.  She is so young and not married.  She does not have a stable living situation or income.  This does not mean she cannot parent him - I just know how difficult it will be.  Not to mention the very difficult social implications towards unwed mothers and orphans in their home country.
2. I feel so sorry for HC's birth mom.  I can't imagine that the decision to place HC up for adoption was easy, but I can't imagine having the government continuing to contact me regarding my decision.
3. Thankfully HC appears to be in a beautiful foster home, but the longer he is there the more difficult it will be on everyone when he does leave - whether it is to our home or with his birth mom.  
4. Obviously if he doesn't come home with us - we start a new grieving process.  Once again we'll have to explain to Reese that his sibling is not coming to live in our home.  The money we've spent thus far would go toward another adoption, in which we would be thankful, but we would still deeply grieve the loss of this child we have come to love.
5. There are huge financial implications to all the changes they've made.  We now have to either make multiple trips to HC's birth country or stay an extended time of 4-8 weeks.  

Please know that I am not complaining - not one of these things will overcome us, but I am just trying to process the realities of it all - the waiting, the possibility of loss, making hard decisions regarding the financial and time implications.  Whether going through international/domestic adoption or birthing children, unknowns always exist.  This is my reality right now, and it hurts.  I want my boy home - and maybe selfishly, but I want his home to be with us.