Run The Race

Christmas season from now until the time I leave this world will contain a mix of emotions as we celebrate the birth of the Messiah and also remember saying goodbye to our son Elliot (December 21, 2011). Many people say that Christmas and Thanksgiving are about being with friends and family - though I agree that spending time with those we love is extremely valuable - it is not the reason nor should it be the ultimate focus.  For those that are deeply grieving - this mindset leaves many feeling lonely or with an abundance of guilt in a season that is about hope and an eternal future and blessing. I believe that if our family does not take this time to remember Elliot then we pass up an opportunity to give glory to God.  And, as for the Christmas season, my focus has been to do only those things that draw us to Jesus and to have flexible enough hearts and schedules that we will have opportunity to serve/give selflessly when we are led. Involving ourselves in obligatory ...

Last night I went to a beautiful event sponsored by M.E.N.D  - an organization committed to helping families grieve their children that were lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or shortly after birth.  This was the 2nd annual candlelight event - where we take just an hour out of the busy Christmas holiday to commemorate our babies in Heaven. This December is strange for me.  Next week will be two years since we held Elliot for the last time.  Passing from 2013 to 2014 somehow makes him seem further away.  I can't go back to that time.  The vast majority of the memories are still fresh, but some things are starting to fade. The passing from 2013 to 2014 puts me further away from the last time I heard my mother's voice, her hugs, all of those things.  I will never get these moments back until we meet in Heaven, but sometimes Heaven feels so far away.   This year I am less focused on my grief than last year.  Though I will never forget my l...

It has been over a year since we began our adoption journey, and it has been over 7 months since we've received our referral to our child that I call HC on this blog - as we've agreed with the agency not to share his information electronically while we are venturing through this process. This weekend I was trying to find more information regarding the all the legal changes and processes that are happening in HCs home country that are affecting the time frame in which we will get to bring him home.  I was connected with some very good resources, but, I'll be honest, it was very disheartening. One of the legal changes that has taken place is for more birth parent rights.  So throughout the process, they contact the birth parent multiple times to ask "Are you sure this is what you want?" - they even ask one more time after the adoptive family travels to the birth country and has a court hearing.  This along with several other changes have greatly lengthened our w...

This story is not necessarily for younger readers. I enjoy airplane rides.  It is still mesmerizing to me that such a giant piece of machinery can get off the ground and stay afloat.  If the person sitting next to me wants to talk - I will definitely talk.  If they are quiet, I love to just snuggle into a good book. This was rather full on a very small plane.  I was in the window seat waiting to see who would be sitting next to me.  As others piled onto the plane, I got a whiff of alcohol, and as the gentleman sat next to me I was quickly able to determine where the smell had originated. His name was Travis.  He was a young CPA who had missed his previous flight while in the bar, so he, instead, had to take this flight.  It appeared that he probably spent the remainder of the time between the two flights in the bar as well. Travis was loud, vulgar and bitter.  Before take off, he began speaking loudly about his displeasure that it was taki...

Our family received a beautiful gift last week- a video of our son (HC) that we are adopting from Asia.  I felt like a fly on the wall as I watched he and his foster mother interact with one another, and for the first time I got to hear the squeal of his voice.  Wow. I am so in love with this little boy that I've never met.  God placed his need upon my heart before I even knew he existed.  It will likely be another 7-12 months before he comes home - it feels so far away. A few nights ago, I had been tossing around the "what if's" in my mind.  What if his birth mother comes back?... what if his foster mom decides to adopt him?... what if yet another law changes, and the government doesn't allow us to have him?... The what if's are never ending if I allow them.  In hind sight, they seem like very selfish questions as they are all about how changes will impact me and my heart when such unexpected changes could potentially be for his better. 4:38am the fo...

As the waiter passed by the table, my friend said, "Excuse me, Sir; I need a straw please." The waiter responded, "You Americans are so 'needy'." Uncomfortable silence.  "Can you explain that please?" The waiter explained that waiting tables was his first job after coming to America, and when someone would say that they "needed" something he felt as if he should run as fast as he could to the back to get it for them because in his country the word need is only used in extreme cases. My friend did eventually get her straw :). This encounter happened probably a decade ago, but it often weighs on my mind still today.  Every time I hear someone in line proclaim, "I need a cappuccino and a piece of pumpkin bread", I think to myself, "Really, you need  it or do you just desire to have it?"  This concept has changed the way we express ourselves in our home - even my 6 year old son will ask me, "Do you need it, ...

By those who love God and by those who despise God, He is often seen as a "rule maker".  Prior to giving my life to Him, I envisioned Him as an insensitive rule maker, and early in my Christian walk I spent much time trying to follow as many of the "rules" as possible in order to make up for all the wrong I had previously done. Now, 15 years after walking with the Lord, I see Him in a very different light.  I no longer see Him as "rule maker" but instead as "creator".  The analogy I often consider is this... If the person who invented the lighter wrote an instruction book, it may say, "Use the lighter in this way, but WARNING! do not bring it in contact with your hair!"  Would we think to ourselves, "That person is so mean to tell me I can't use this for my hair!  Nobody is going to tell me what to do!"? If one did use the lighter for their hair, destruction and a horrible stink would certainly follow.  The "cre...

I was reading in Philippians 2 this morning, and Paul was telling about his friend Epaphrodutus' close encounter with death.  Paul said (2:27), "For indeed he was sick to the point of death, but God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, so that I would not have sorrow upon sorrow." As the words "sorrow upon sorrow" appeared before my eyes, I immediately felt connected to Paul's emotions and feelings.  I too know about sorrow upon sorrow - especially in recent years when I lost my son and my mother back to back.  Then just a few months ago, I sat by my Dad in a hospital bed for many days - grief stricken, thinking "Dear God, can I bear another round of such grief right now?  Your will be done." I just visited my Dad in Texas a few days ago, and God did indeed have mercy upon me as he spared me from the sorrow of another loss.  My Dad's recovery is finally skyrocketing, and I am so thankful. The area in which I feel most vu...

Loss comes in all shapes and sizes, though we usually only consider some "loss" when it is death.  Other kinds of loss include loss of a career, loss of health, loss of a dream/expectations (something or someone didn't turn out the way you'd hoped), loss of a valuable relationship, and secondary loss (losing something because of losing someone, such as maybe the family played a specific game with Grandma every Sunday, but now that she has passed nobody will play the game any longer because it is just not the same).  There are others. These things hurt, and they require us to grieve and lay it before the Lord or it could possibly build up inside of us as something nasty, bitter, and destructive in the long run. Below is a list of things Ron and I have found helpful in living/thriving through grief and loss.  I pray it will be helpful to many of you. 1.        Absolutely be in the Word every day. – Early in my loss I took my Bible every...

It is such a beautiful time of year.  The weather just beckons our outdoor play!  There is a smell and an ambiance that simply doesn't exist any other time of year but fall. So what is looming over my head? As I walk outside, I feel as if I should run and play because of the beauty that exists, yet there is some sort of fog in my mind.  It's a strange feeling that is hard to describe. I know what it is.  It is a lingering of the feelings I had during this season in years past.  The air simply reminds me of the months leading up to Elliot's birth as well as the months following my Mother's death.  The months leading to Elliot's birth were expectant and fun but also fat and exhausted.  I remember running in the "Race for the Cure" with my big belly; I could see people pick up the pace as I passed them, thinking to themselves "there's no way I can get beat by a pregnant woman"! I have historically loved dressing up and making costumes a...

One year ago today, September 19, 2012, God placed our child-to-be on my heart!  I am telling you this story at the risk of you thinking I am crazy.  You probably already think I'm crazy, so I might as well tell you! I sat in my chair reading my Bible in the wee hours of the morning.  It was just the Lord and I as everyone was still sleeping.  Romans 8 was the reading for the day, and I came to verse 15, which I've read many times - I have it highlighted and underlined in my Bible. "For you have not received a spirit of fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'"  Romans 8:15 Typically, this verse is very personal to me, my fear, and my adoption into God's family, but not this day.  As I read this verse, I was physically pulled out of my chair; knees on the ground.  A sense of deep grief came over me as I had a vision of thousands of children (mostly middle - high school aged) standing,...

The last 7 days have been a blur. My Dad, who was out of state with his brother on a fishing trip, began to experience very high temperature, delirium, convulsions, could not walk, etc.  He was ofcourse rushed to the hospital.  This began a whirlwind of tests, which finally revealed that he has West Nile virus.  He has been incubated and on a ventilator for many days.  Finally, praise God, he began to breathe on his own. Now that he has come out of incubation and is breathing on his own, it brings along a new set of trials.  Hospital staff continues to reiterate that recovery will be slow.  He continues in ICU at the hospital for yet another day; soon we will begin to interact with a variety of therapists.   Wow... What just happened??? I have been in TX since I received the news, but now I must return home.  Leaving will be difficult, though I know I will return soon. I've returned to the Psalms this week in my Bible reading.  I fo...

A month ago, our family was preparing for a vacation to the Philadelphia, PA area to visit Ron's family.  We love our visits with family, but this time was different.  Last year when we arrived in PA, my Mother was alive - when we left she was not.  Our trip to PA last year was much too short. Sometimes I believe we are done with "firsts" considering we are more than a 1.5years out since our son Elliot's death and a year out since my Mom's death, but I knew this trip would be full of firsts. First vacation since my Mom died First time to fish in the pond I was fishing in the moment my Mom died First time to run on the beach again that I ran on when I was pregnant with Elliot These may seem insignificant to most, but each thing is filled with a mix of fun and sorrowful emotion.  Not to mention, that in preparing for our trip the enemy filled my head with such lies as "What will go wrong this trip?", "Who will die this time?"  Such lies...

I am often times the "idea" person - the big dreamer.  I try not to overwhelm people with all the "fireworks" of ideas that go off in my brain - using discernment of who I share them with and when.  Discernment and accountability is a necessity in determining if the idea is mine alone or if it has been planted there by the Holy Spirit. In 2010, I went through a season in which I wanted all my big dreaming to go away.  It's a lot of responsibility to cast the vision and to follow through on it.  People think I'm crazy (I am :).  God was aware of my insecurity, and gave me something to nudge my heart forward.  In Luke 10:23-24, Jesus said to His disciples, "Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things which  you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things which you hear, and did not hear them." When my ideas are from God, He turns the outcome of that dream into s...

Grieving is such a selfish emotion... it's not that the person who is grieving is selfish - it's that everyone grieves in their own way on their own time. When Elliot died, others around us grieved for us, but I don't think anyone could really grieve Elliot the way Ron and I did because nobody had a relationship with him except us.  My Mother's death, on the other hand, created much grieving from a number of people - and the levels and the stages of grief vary tremendously among each of these people. Next week will be a year since my Mother passed away.  I can't believe it. Those of us who are grieving had a unique relationship with my Mother.  I cannot compare my grief to my Dad's because I did not share the intimacy they had together for 40 years.  I cannot compare my grief to either of my siblings because we each had a unique connection with her on different levels.  For example, my sister lived only a few miles down the road from my parents, and, there...

TEN years people... this Friday, Ron and I have been married for 10 years!  Woohoo! At Celebrate Recovery I often introduce myself as someone who gets to be a part of a healthy marriage.  I am blown away by this possibility... I thought for sure I had blown it... no grace could be big enough to bring me back to enough of a purified state that would allow me to marry a man that would cherish me. I WAS WRONG. God is so much bigger than our choices and our circumstances.  Don't get me wrong; there are still consequences to choices that I made, but the shame associated with those choices are gone and there is a simple reminder often associated with some of the resulting scars - but ultimately all things have been made new, as scripture promises. Many times I hear stories in books or on the radio that say, "I went into the marriage with blinders on, and I wasn't expecting it to be so hard."  I was exactly the opposite - I went in assuming it was going to be ...

During the first year of my grief I did not blog, but I did have a group of friends that I would send emails to in order to share my thoughts and feelings.  The entry below is something I shared at this time last year - 5 months after Elliot died.

I'll be honest, it is so nice to have good news to share with people.  Seems like the last couple of years have been a series of sob stories.  Every time I share one of our difficulties with someone, I hope that the joy and peace we have in the midst of that crisis also shines through - but, nonetheless, most of my stories probably leave people feeling a little glum. Sharing our story of adoption brightens people's days.  Who wouldn't agree that we should care for our orphans?  We are so glad to be on this journey and to share this news with others! When someone passes away or when a woman becomes pregnant, some people stumble around the right words to say - they feel like they need to say more than "I'm so sorry" or "Congratulations!"  I'm no different - I stumble around such things all the time.  I have found that while sharing the news of our son and the time frame in which we must wait to get him into our home (possibly a year or more), t...

I have mentioned in some previous posts that we have been pursuing adoption.  On April 15th, we received a very exciting phone call - the agency had an adoption referral for us!  They sent us all the information on the child, and after a few questions back and forth, review of all the information - just last week we humbly accepted the privilege to be this child's family. So, today, we would like to pass on some of our joy by introducing our (drum roll please) .............. BOY!!!! For his privacy, we agreed not to post his name or pics on-line.  But I will share some news about him... we'll call him HC.  HC is 9 months old, and is sooo cute.  He has crazy hair that sticks straight into the air.  His cheeks are so chubby; they just scream "please smooch me!".  HC was placed with a loving foster family at 5 months old and is still with them today (praise God for this family!). Reese is super excited to be getting another brother.   ...

For those of you who don't know - Mother's Day is this Sunday. Last years Mother's Day was difficult but peaceful for me.  It was a day that I had anticipated having 2 little boys in my house, yet it was filled only with the laughter and joy of 1 sweet little boy.  That thought makes our home seem too quiet.  I looked back through my journal to last year's Mother's Day, and I found anguish over the loss of Elliot, a longing for my daughter Livvy, and I found deep appreciation for Reese and for my relationship with my own Mother. This year, on Mother's Day, I face yet another first (I'm really sick of these types of firsts) - this will be my first Mother's Day without my Mom.  It hit me hard yesterday.  I will never  hear her voice talking to me again.  My Dad has not recorded over my Mom's voice on their voicemail recording; sometimes I call when I think my Dad won't be home just so I can hear her - probably seems crazy, but it is refreshing ...

Welcome back superheroes with super armor! Maybe you don't feel like a superhero just yet.  Maybe your thinking to yourself, "I am way too beat up to fight this battle - much less have any victory."  I have to challenge that thinking - I know what you are made of.  You are made from the hands of the Creator of the Universe.  He has clothed you with His armor.  He has plans of good for you as you humble yourself before Him. Check out this clip  from the movie "Cars" where 3 cars are in a tie-breaking race for the "Piston Cup" . Who won the race? Was it the green car (Chick Hicks) because he crossed the finished line first?  Sure.  He won the empty cup. Was it the red car (Lightening McQueen) because he gave up something of seeming value for the good of someone else?  Sure.  Nobody can walk away from that and gain nothing. Was it the blue car (the King)?  The King walked away with bumps and bruises.  This was his last...